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“Boss, Chuttah Nahin Hain!”

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November 25, 2013 by thejalebichronicles

Economic crises are in abundance these days; the falling Rupee rate, the prices of onions and gas and various other problems the Indian student body remains blissfully ignorant about. But through all these traumatic events that have everyone wringing their hands, one problem stands out: the perennial lack of “chuttah” in this nation. Yes, Gandhi does look quite happy on those bills, but no one even knows what’s stamped on our coins anymore; for when was the last time anyone saw one, anyway?

Remember, life may give you lemons but Om Puri always had a disturbing nose, need I say more?

Don’t fret yet though, everyone! TJC here help you conserve what little change you can!

Remember, Gandhi prophesied it all when he demanded change, and so did Martin Luther and more recently, Barack Obama. Now, we’re ALL left demanding some, even from our unhelpful auto-wallahs!

It was all about the change when Mr. Shirke failed to hand any over to you while you continued to eat his chest-hair infected vada paws for Rs. 8. You give him ten, and he gave you two toffees instead. What caused the policy of returning actual money instead of toffees remains a mystery. It was never about keeping the change or being Indian of course, or even deciphering the truth behind ‘Melody itni chocolaty kyu hain?’ Understanding the system was never our game but it was always about the look, the Indian way to be precise, the Indian nod, the Indian head-shake.

So here are a few ways how you could ‘avoid the change!’

1. The ‘Aaj nahi toh kal deta hu’ look.

Sakshi Tanwar waving hands

“I’ve got 99 cents but a dollar ain’t one!”

Procrastination is a gene that every Indian has, and it emerges in many different ways, whether it be delaying your doodhwala’s fee or even some national-development concepts which always remained at 8 on India TV, after their daily apocalyptic news.

To avoid giving change immediately, make constant constipated expressions clueing your victim that you’re out of change . . . or toffees. Naturally, they might forget to ask for it again and you may salivate over your precious saved coins. Enacting such a strategy on multiple targets has impressively showed meritorious results. Keep penny picking like this and it won’t be long till you could be the next millionaire!

2. The aftermath of the ‘Aaj nahi toh kal deta hu’ look.

Sakshi Tanwar playing Clash of the Titans

Sakshi Tanwar playing Clash of the Titans

Not all Indians are stupid, Kamaal R Khan for example. There always exists those #2RsPpl to ask you for the change you owed previous day. Well if they do so; try out some stern reprimanding.

Change the topic instead. An arbitrary Indian has three most common topics to savor; a Bollywood flick, a tooth’s pick and the neighbour’s di . . . well yes, you get it.

3. The ‘do I seriously look like I’ve got some change?’

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Your victim continues to pester you for the change you owe him. When the time seems right, shoot him. No seriously, do it.

4. The ‘Of course I’ve got some change but you’re not getting any!’ look

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5. The ‘how about tonight for a change?’ look

I'm so sexy but lol nvm, I'm still stupid.

I’m so sexy but lol nvm, I’m still stupid.

Depending on stinginess and personal sexiness levels you may offer to solicit yourself to the people who you owe those two Rupees to. Of course, this remains a last ditch attempt to save your coin. Being the ladies’ Shaktimaan isn’t the answer. Yet.

6. The ‘I CAN HAZ CHANGE?!’ look

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Remember, the internet just loves cats.

7. And finally, the CONFESSION: “You’ve got me there, I have no change!”

"HEEHEE. Gotcha!"

“HEEHEE. Gotcha!”

Rahul Baba trying to deliver his comforting smile on behalf of the change he promised for. Better luck next time Baba!

So the next time your rickshaw wala says those three forbidden words to you, you certainly know what you’ve got to do.

–         Achilles Rasquinha

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