Diwali Special: A Cracka-lackin’ Diwali!

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November 3, 2013 by thejalebichronicles

Image Credits: Varil Shah

While violently arguing with my parents about the futility of firecrackers and why they should not be used, it struck me that my noble sacrifice for the welfare of this society, may not be reflected in the deeds of my representatives at the Lok Sabha.

Of course, these noble souls in their white kurtas do deserve some form of recreation as they crawl through this Big Boss season to the Grand 2014 Election. While Diwali brings more dry fruits than any mortal can possibly hope to finish in a single lifetime: one does begin to worry that this season, they’ll have to visit the righteous politician with a humble Chardonnay or a wad of the ol’ greens.

I] Manmohan Singh – The Fountain:

Silence is Manmohan

Golden sparklers that whoosh out of a conical box – the Fountain is a delight to every individual who wishes to avoid vociferous crackers and would be the best possible gift to give Prime Minister Singh who is a man of few, err . . . very few words. Like the recipient this cracker is safe, pleasing and just for show. But then maybe actions are better than just words, sometimes?

II] Nitish Kumar – The Sky Rocket:

Quiet children, happy children

This one is an undisputed delight. It climbs stealthily to great heights between 100 – 200 feet before violently exploding into a volley of dazzling colours. Thus, this makes for the perfect Diwali gift to Nefarious Nitish who lurks like a shrewd sniper in the political shadows before emerging sporadically with rather loud and colourful rebuttals.

III] Narendra Modi – The Cake:

“Oh no, you didn’t!”

If I was GQ magazine, I’d award Mad-Eye-Modi with the title of ‘Sexiest Man of the Year’. No, I do not have the hots for this grouchy grandpa, but I really do stand in awe of his methods. Colourful and dangerous, this man fires left, right and centre in his crazy-cross-country-political-campaign! Thus the perfect gift to him would be the Cake: An amalgamation of all types of fireworks that can be set off in succession, providing for a customised mini display that has us captivated with its various tactics and colours.

IV] Mamata Bannerjee – The Mines:

Mamatadi demanding which Maoist let the dogs out

This cracker does not produce dazzling dragon shaped apparitions or spiralling fountains of glitz, but when it strikes, it sure sends you running for cover! Needless to say, Mamatadi -with her anguished cry of “Maoist!” and her sudden violent controversies -is surely the best receiver of this tiny, simple-looking cracker which is nothing but pure dynamite.

V] Rahul Gandhi – The Charkhi:

See these hands? Fine breeding, finer hand creams

A frizzle of fire in gold and colour spinning round and round with dizzying velocity, this is one cracker that always had me blue in the face. Today I take sadistic delight in suggesting that we gift this one to Little Gandhi who has been spinning in uncertain circles for the last few years.

Image credits: Varil Shah

So here there we have it, our Fantastic Five and the Fabulous Firecrackers we’d like to gift them. Happy Diwali, readers!

Fire cracker image credits: Varil Shah

–          Shayonnita Mallik