July 14, 2013 by thejalebichronicles
Four Chambers: A page discussing heart aches, heart throbs and so much more.
The strangest thing happened last night. I was summoned into a brightly lit room to find two stern faces angrily glaring at me. What ensued was the most awkward conversation of my life.
ME: What happe-
Progenitor X: We saw her today.
Progenitor Y: They were strolling in the garden, HOLDING hands. Then, he…
(I knew what was happening by then, but somehow, donning a puzzled facade gave me an innocent edge.)
X: We don’t like this. Is this the age? When making a career should be your top priority, all you youngsters want is this boyfriend-girlfriend drama. If the watchman hadn’t told us, we would have never known. Sunita Bai was right about her. Is this how your generation is more forward than ours? Is this what her mother has taught her? Where are the Indian sanskaar?
Did I say conversation? I meant, the most awkward MONOLOGUE of my life.
Yes, dating has never been a dull affair in India. Au contraire, there isn’t a more social affair; from snooping siblings to meddling maids dating is nothing short of a public activity.
Noticing how many faux-pas moments occur due to lack of knowledge on how to conduct this sordid affair, I have enlisted the ten commandments of dating in India, which if followed, will ensure that you lead a ‘safe’ dating life.
- Thou shall not divulge: Sunita Bai knows you better than your mother does. Odds are that she has already knows all about those late-night phone calls and impromptu blushes ,but if you want this relationship to last, make sure the staff aren’t aware of what’s going on.
- Thou shall not kiss in public: NO P.D.A. Period. Regardless of the amount of affection you two contain for each other, take it some place other than Bandstand or Jogger’s Park; preferably someplace where snooping teenagers don’t point out your ‘spectacle’ to their fuming parents.
- Thou shall not celebrate everything: You extravagant teen couples! Celebrating ‘our first kiss’ anniversary is not cool.
- Thou shall not cheat: This is a commandment not only because deception is a terrible deed, but also because your activities will be noted by your entire friend circle and no one will hear the end of it.
- Thou shall not mention PMS: Unless you are a masochist and your highest aim is to be Forever Alone, do not utter these three letters. Ever.
- Thou shall not speak of progeny: Indians are genetically programmed to link the smallest happenings to the greatest events; talking on the phone means dating, which equals relationship, further meaning love that connects to marriage which gives seven odd children… Take it one step at a time, chances are you won’t get your heart-broken that way.
- Thou shall not make her pay for rickshaw: Make a mental note of this commandment. We, girls like it when you make the payments because it makes us feel like we’re worth it. (No offense, feminists.)
- Thou shall not refer to her as ‘dude’: If you are an endorser of mental well-being, you shall, in no circumstances, refer to your girlfriend as ‘dude’, ‘bro’ or any other synonym of the like.
- Thou shall not call him every 15 minutes: If you think calling (read: checking up) on him every minute is perfectly normal because ‘we can’t live without divulging every little detail of our lives,’’, you need a reality check.
- Thou shall not baby talk: My heart goes out to everyone who wants to pull their hair out every time couples refer to each other as ‘baby’, ‘sugar lips’, ‘shona’ and all the other nauseating nicknames in the book. There are less disturbing ways of alienating yourself from your friend circles.
– Shalina Abhale